Beware the water babies

Watch out --

You want to tell yourself that they're not real.  You want to pretend that they're just something that's been made up to tell around a campfire late at night.

Don't lie to yourself.

Accept the truth.

The water babies are out there -- and they're mad.

The Truth Behind Water Babies

As those of you who have been following my Facebook and Twitter accounts know, I've recently been wondering what "water babies" are and why they are dangerous.  This came when a co-worker of mine mentioned "Beware of water babies" on his Facebook page and he refused to go into detail as to what they were.

Being the curious soul that I am, I asked for some explanation as to what "water babies" were and I didn't get any responses throughout the day.

When I got home that night, however, I found the following email waiting for me:

Dear Mr. Morgan:

I saw your Twitter post asking about water babies, and even though I probably shouldn't be telling you this, I thought it best that you understood the truth behind water babies.  Once, I was just like you -- enjoying life to its fullest and blissfully unaware of water babies.

That changed when I went camping with my family.

We were near a small lake, and while we were setting up the tent, an elderly couple came over to where my brother and I were playing, and the old woman said,

"You make sure that you watch out for the water babies."

"What are water babies?" I asked.

She looked like she was about to tell me, but at that moment, our parents called us for dinner, and we raced each other back to the campsite.

Brian, my brother, and I forgot all about the water babies for the rest of the day and into the night.

Our parents went to sleep, and Brian and I were awake in the tent next to theirs.  Neither one of us were able to sleep, so we decided to go down to the lake.  There was a full moon overhead, so it was really easy to see where we were going.

We went down a path, and made our way to the lake.  When we got there, we saw what we thought were some little kids near the water.

Somehow, I knew that something was wrong, and I told Brian that we should go back.  At first, I thought he was going to argue with me, but all of a sudden, the little kids started to make some really weird noises -- and we ran back to the campsite.  The sounds that came out of them couldn't even remotely be considered human.  Then again, they didn't quite sound like animals, either. 

It wasn't until years later that I found out that my brother and I had been very lucky.  We'd come across a nursery of water babies -- creatures that bear a resemblence to human babies when seen in dim lighting, but which are really some kind of water-dwelling creatures that come from the Nugati Valley in Africa.  An acquaintance showed me a photograph of one that he had taken, and it was frightening -- sharp teeth, strange eyes that seem to glow, and a vaguely humanoid appearance to them.

Do yourself a favor, Mr. Morgan -- forget about water babies.  Don't get people curious about them.

Sincerely,
Kristen Dalworth

There you have it -- the truth behind water babies. 

My curiousity has been satisfied, and I hope that yours has, too.

If anyone has a picture of a water baby, please go ahead and send it to me.  I really am curious as to what they look like.

*** 

Godversations #2: Voices In My Head

Jeff answered the phone on the third ring.

"What the hell do you want?" he demanded.

"Wow.  That's a really harsh way to answer the phone.  You probably thought that I was a telemarketer or something, right?"

"Wrong.  I looked at the Caller ID, saw that it was you, and said to Karen, 'It figures.  Who else would call us in the middle of us spending time together?'"

Being the sort of guy who can pick up on subtle hints, I decided that he and Karen were probably spending some intimate time together.

"This'll only take a second," I said.

There was a pause.

"You realize that Karen and I are naked in bed, right?"

"So?  Oh, wait -- are you getting cold?  You want me to hold on while you put on a robe or something?"

"What I want is for you to suffer a slow and painful death, but I'll settle for you getting off the phone.  What do you want?"

I knew that Jeff wasn't nearly as pissed off as he sounded.  He was probably at that point right where the magic is about to happen sexually and he was a little put out that I interrupted the special moment.

Oh, well -- he should have planned things better.

"I'm hearing God in my head."

There was another pause.

This one was longer.

"You're hearing God."

"Yup."

"In your head."

"Yup," I said.

"What is he saying?"

"So far, not much," I admitted.  "He did call me an idiot, though, which surprised me.  I figured that God wouldn't be into name calling."

"He's omnipotent and omniscient.  Of course, he's into name calling.  What else did he say?"

"He said that he wants me to post this on my blog so that the world can read it."

Jeff sighed.

"And this is what you called me about?"

"Yup."

He hung up.

I looked at the phone in my hand for a moment, then shrugged and turned on the television.

It's funny how people will react when faced with something that is so incredibly awesome that the mind can't comprehend it.

He'd come around.

***

Godversations #1: Introducing The Almighty

So, I was in my office, working on CHICK SWITCH (my teen romance) when I suddenly heard,

"Psst!"

Now, it was a very distinctive "Psst!"  It was clear, and audible, and in my right ear -- and I was alone in my office, with the exception of Christie Lee (my chorkie), Teddy (my Brussels griffon), Eileen (my westie-poo), and Sensei (my Senegal parrot). 

Damn, I guess I was far from being alone, now that I look back on it.

But, for argument's sake, we'll say that I was alone -- and yet, I had heard a "Psst!"

I ignored it.

"Hey."

Okay, that time, there was no getting around it. 

I was hearing voices.

"Hello?" I asked, out loud, looking around for some reasonable explanation.  Hell, I'd have settled for an unreasonable explanation.

"Hi, there."

The voice was deep but in a good way -- the kind of reassuring deep voice that kind of wraps you up all warm and comfortable.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"It's me.  God."

I immediately started shaking.  I knew what was going to happen now.

"Oh, no," I said, standing up.  "Please don't ask me to kill someone."

"Why would I ask you to kill someone?"

"Because people who God talks to usually kill someone because God told them to."

There was a pause.

"You know, I'm almost positive that I didn't make you to be this big an idiot.  I guess you've been working extra hard on your own."

"You're not God," I said.  "God would never call me an idiot."

"Says who?"

"Well -- I'm not sure, but I don't think you're supposed to go around calling people names."

"Even if they're idiots?"

"Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say that you are God and you are talking to me.  Why me?"

"Why not you?"

"For starters, I'm not exactly the best Christian out there."

God laughed.  It was a warm, comfortable sound.

"You can say that again.  I've seen Satanists who are better Christians than you."

"Wow."

"Yeah, there are times when I'm watching you that I have to close my eyes.  Still, I've chosen you to be the vessel with which I will spread my word."

"Let me guess -- you're sending me forth with your words, right?"

"Wrong.  Just post it on your blog."

"Only about ten people read my blog."

"Well, that's ten people that will get my word."

Now, some of you are probably wondering why it was that I was just automatically going along with what my obviously twisted mind was telling me.

Simple -- it was kind of cool.

"Tell you what, guy -- let's wrap this up tonight and I'll drop in when I get a few minutes.  You can ask me questions, I'll give you answers, and we'll take it from there.  How's that sound?"

I thought about that.

"I can ask you questions?"

"You bet."

"And you'll give me answers?"

"Yup."

"And you're not going to ask me to kill anyone?"

He sighed.

"No killing."

"In that case," I said, "let's do this thing."

***

Why I Haven't Been Posting

You missed me, right?

You've been waiting to see what was going to come out of my mind next, but every time you've come to the site, you've found...nothing.

I can explain.

I deleted my login.

Yup.  I deleted my login so that there was no way to get a new post up.  Now, you might ask, "Why the hell would you delete your login?"

Simple.

I'm an idiot.

Actually, it was one of those things that just happened.  I was deleting a whole lot of meaningless crap and the next thing I knew, one of those things I deleted was my login.

But, I've found how to get it back.

So, this is just a little note to let you know that I'll be posting very shortly.

In the meantime, you just go ahead and talk amongst yourselves...